[ Stand On The Edge With Me ]

so went to Alberta with my mom. Pretty interesting experience. Went camping. While I was there away from technology & friends, I just disappeared in my head. I'd love to be a writer but I can never ever finish anything. I write random bouts of things now & then. Even with songs. Soooo, maybe if I can train myself to actually finish things, I might be able to progress ! So I'm gonna work on that.

I wish I would stop forgetting to do my passport. I want to go to Buffalo for my birthday. goo-stalking at 23. I love it.

I'm going through one of those phases again where I don't know what I want to do with my life.

yay.

blehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

my friend is super hard trying to convince me to move to Toronto. Even offering to have his parents pay for my tuition and such. He doesn't get that I want to do this on my own and I'm NOT READY. I'm already making plans to go to Ottawa <3 so sorry if I don't want to go to Toronto even though you're there. It just wouldn't work for me, especially if I don't want to be there in the first place. Blech.

But thinking about it more :) I'm actually making plans and going to try to stick to them. I need a job ASAP. I may have to hold off on Japan but that's ok. If it means I'm heading towards my future, I'll do it.

it's my dad's bday today :)

oh boy, oh boy, oh boy

life is pretty messed up right now! but I may get a job this week :)
my other best friend majorly upset me the other night.
&& I had to watch the love of my life, dance with another girl && I'm not sure if he wanted to make me jealous or was just being an ass :(

bahhhh.

summer is almost over. and I partied for most of it. right on.

I'm really super curious. Apparently you-know-who shared secrets with a friend of ours. I want to ask him the dirty details. But at the same time, do I really want to know the truth? Or should I be happy with this fantasy I built up for myself in my head? I'm torn on this but deep down, I think I should know. Hmm.

Also really thinking about two major things.
1-learn guitar...I've always wanted to and I could use the skills to really write some songs and shiz. I could do it.
2- get a new tattoo. something to symbolize the love and change in my life. but I don't know what or where. maybe it'll come to me in a dream.

Also, "Knowing" was the weirdest movie ever. Made me feel insignificant.

Scheme 1.23 is getting more and more realistic. :D

So things are a bit shitty again. I got fired for my "INABLITY (that word pisses me off hardcore) to meet the minimum requirements of training." I don't get how I wasn't meeting them. I mean, I did miss 3 measly days of boring courses that are finished in 2 minutes and "games and singing" but come on, that has NOTHING to do with the fucking job. I was getting 80's & 90's on the tests we HAD to pass, I was able to learn shit about Rogers even though I hate the stupid company, and I was willing to make the customer happy. After dealing with these initial thoughts of "I'm not good enough, I suck, my life is horrible", I've come to realize, THEY are missing out. I am an awesome worker and I have such vision, imagination, and creativity that it's a waste to work at a call centre. So, fuck you OLS.

My parents were extremely supportive of me. My dad kept telling me "you were meant for something bigger" and "that was a dead end job, you would've ended up losing your passion". :D && my Mom was like "don't accept something just to go along with it". So it was amazing to have such support.

So no money sucks. Gotta look again, whoo. I hate it.

Buuuuut, my dream of Japan may end up coming true!! I was talking to my friend who said if we go to Japan, we have to go to Hong Kong. So she didn't say NO!!! :)

Anyways, off to write some epics ;) bahaha.

So I had an epiphany on Saturday aside from the bowling.
I decided that I want to spend my birthday in Japan. I call it Scheme 1.23. You only get 1 life and I'll be 23. Plus the cuteness of 1-2-3. I'll have to do a shitload of planning but that's alright. I'm a freak when it comes to that. I'll have everything printed out with costs and shit. I'm excited. The only thing that's stopping me fully is my passport but I can work on that over the summer/fall. It's something I really really want to do. I just hope I don't lose courage or passion for it.

And I've decided that I don't want a love that's easy. People say that complications and such don't make it worth it but I really think they do. How else can you enjoy the rest of your lives if you didn't have to accomplish something to make it happen? I dunno, just something I was thinking about last night.

I've also discovered the letter J rules my life. My first love starts with a J. My favourite singer and idol is John Rzeznik. I was born in January. I have an older and influential sister named Jocelyn. My favourite character in my favourite movie, Labryinth, is named Jareth. My favourite voice actors are Jeremy Irons, Jim Cummings and Tony Jay. I also enjoy Jon Bon Jovi, John Cusack, Jon Stewart, and Basshunter (real name is Jonas). There's prolly more I can blab about but you get the picture. WEIRD, EH!?

haha, had a fun 4th of July :)
watched a bit of Live In Buffalo <3 Ended up going bowling with my high school buddies and it was actually pretty fun. We got there around 10pm and stayed til closing (1am). It didn't even feel that long. Me and Barb got pretty trashed fast so we were the morons of the bunch, haha. We came back to my place to drink a bit more and just hang. Somehow us and the LOW playing music were louder than when my neighbours had their obscene music BLARING and I had to call the cops to complain.

My sister stormed downstairs and bitched me out that she had to work at 4:30am and I'm playing loud music, slamming doors, and having a party. *que rolling eyes*. I honestly believe she just wanted to yell at me 'cause she absolutely hates that I invite people over. Sorry I have friends? I understand that it was late and we were sort of talking loud but she never told me she had to work early and I actually checked how "loud" it was in her room. I put the music on the same level it was last night and went into her room with her fan on. All I could hear was a bit of bass but nothing to wake someone up. Especially since she couldn't hear the neighbours with their loud music. It takes a lot to wake me up and even I was bothered by the blaring music. I could hear the words CLEARLY. I dunno, I'm bitter. Bahhh.

It sucks. My dad gave us $40 for groceries. We bought some stuff on Thursday but not a lot. My sister left today (thank goodness, she's still angry with me >:O ) and they both will be back Friday. I spent all my money last night. I don't get paid til Friday! I'm screwed, haha.

I totally thought my sister did dishes last night and I felt bad. But when I woke up, I saw that the same pile is still there o_0 Sooo, I'm not sure what was real or what was a dream. Although if it was a dream, it felt so real!! Especially this one part. My heart felt so small and tight :( you-know-who said to me "you know, I've been thinking about you" and kept touching me :( sighhhh, everytimeee

Have I stated my love for Kings of Leon!?
I AM ADDICTED.

Work is still boring. I just hope I can stick to it. I'm already planning on how to spend my pay :) MONEY MAKES ME HAPPY, lol

sighh, I'm an idiotidiotidiot....good thing I'm a good liar too :$

anyways, went through my high school yearbooks last night. Bad idea. Bad memories of a horrible time. I don't know why I even bought them. Sighh.

Yeah, I'm just gonna stop before this becomes an anti-me post.

so the week wasn't too bad. I sit in a computer room for 8hrs reading and listening. Yay. It's super boring but I've made approx. 304$ this week for just sitting! And by the time I DO get paid (July 10th *sob*), I'll be getting a paycheque of over 1000$...verrrrry excited! I have to pay off my dad, pay off my visa, owe a few people lunch..and thas it!! :) Few things I do want to buy myself but I'm gonna have to restrain from spending it all. :S

It's also pretty cool at work that we are awarded air miles for doing our job well. So hopefully I can save up some air miles to fly to japan for free ;) annnd..just looked it up...8600. Wow. Thas a lot. Oh well, something to think about.

so I have a jooooooob!!!! I'm super nervous to start on Tuesday but I'm ready. I want to work so bad. I'm going to do my best and stick to it. I need the money and I want to start helping out around the house. I've been a complete mooch since Feb and I just can't take it anymore.

I'm so excited that I'll be able to walk to work. No more bus!! Especially in the nice summer weather...get a tan, exercise :) Save up money while I figure out what to do. I've been lookin at courses at Carleton and OttawaU but I'm not sure if what I decide to take will be beneficial to my future. Oh well, I have til February to figure it out.\

There's a contest at Whoinspiresu.ca and I totally want to enter it. I get to spend a max of 3 mins talking about who inspires me and why. I also have to explain how I would use the 10,000$ grand prize to achieve my aspirations. Doesn't sound too bad :)

&& someone on my street had a crazy party last night...music blaring til 1am. And at 4:30, some drunk idiots woke me up cuz they were somewhere outside yelling about how drunk they were and had no idea who was calling them. Guh.

Still job searching...apparently no one wants a good worker. It puzzles me to hell how super slackers manage to get a job faster than me. I mean, they show up late, act unprofessional, do shit-all at work...and they still stay hired!! But no, they're apparently more appealing than me. Fuck everything. Bahhhh..

On a lighter note..I think I want to work towards becoming a photographer. I've been taking more and more pictures and I find I just have a natural talent of knowing where to aim the camera. But I also have been working more on songs. I'm pretty sure I've written some good ones. Just still figuring things out I guess. :)

Anyways, on with life :)

do you think two people should date because other people tell them to?

how would you feel if you were constantly being told that you and your close friend, of the opposite sex, would be a cute couple when you have no feelings whatsoever for him?


I am sick of my "friends" constantly hounding how cute we'd be. Maybe all of you liked dating eachother but I can't work that way. I won't date someone just because I am being told to or it is wanted of me. And I'm tired of being mistaken as a couple when we spend time together. We don't hold hands. We don't touch. We don't kiss. Why the hell do people think this if we're not even doing "couple-y" things. It just super irritates me. Maybe it's just me being a bitch but it is certainly tiring.

I just realized I am surrounded by post-it notes, ftw.

so I've been rummaging through my room, trying to find a story I wrote in the 3rd grade. So far, no luck. I knew it was something special and put it somewhere safe but now I have forgotten where somewhere safe is. Now I'm stuck going through boxes of junk and trinkets trying to find it. While I was doing that, I found an old booklet that was filled with questions us 5th graders had to fill out. Even then I didn't know what I wanted to do. Under "what do you want to be when you grow up?", I had written "I don't know. I want to be a million things." Stupid unfocused me.

But I also found the story I had started writing 5years ago. So starting to work on that again. Definately definately needs a lot of work.

Unemployment sucks but I'm still looking. Sigh.

I have to rant about this, I really do.

It's very upsetting/annoying when someone complains about their life and has done nothing to change it. It just irks me that someone can be so negative about everything when they have never ever tried.

This case, my friend's friend Bryan. Now I have tried to be nice to him since I know he's awkward around people and doesn't have many friends but that gives him no excuse to just be rude towards others who have lived their lives. He's 24 and apparently hasn't kissed a girl yet. Last night we were playing Gossip Girl's "Never Have I Ever" (his game, btw), && he kept making rude comments like "what haven't you done?", "good for you" && the wow factor "I'm glad you guys were able to experience that". Like seriously?? Don't try to make me feel bad for actually living my life (which btw I forgot until me and barb strolled down memory lane, lol)

But anyways, to sum it up....

"it's up to you to make the most of your life"

&& with that...I feel like writing.

I'm totally addicted to this ( fanvideo )

the 2 guys from 1:25 to 1:33 are my fave. Is it so wrong I think the guy portraying "Lady Guerilla" (3:10) is so incredibly hot in makeup??? :}

Still jobless but I've been trying. It sucks when you're essentially selling yourself and no one wants you, bleh. Maybe I'll just go out west and work there. Live in a hostel or some shit. Whooo...sighh.

&& siblings suck.

I've noticed a lot of my posts are either complaining bout something...or concerning him. I dunno, I guess I somehow developed this negative attitude. The past few months haven't been exactly ideal but I'm trying to become a better person. I ended up taking out my anger on someone who didn't deserve it and instead of yelling back at me, she calmly responded she was sorry and wants to make our friendship work. I felt so bad.

But I think I have finally decided what to do. After my trip to Albeta and watching Departures and seeing the beautiful imagery from the show, I think I do want to pursue a career with photojournalism. There's a course I want to take but I still have to balance out my options. I'm nervous cuz I think I will need a student loan this time. Also nervous cuz I'm not very good at coming up with questions. But it's something.

we'll see where my heart takes me

this happens every fucking time...I admit someone is my best friend and then it all goes to shit. && because I absolutely hate going to bars, I get fucking left out. I'm sorry I don't trust intoxicated people I don't know or being hit on by creeps who are only interested in getting some. And I ALWAYS get hit on by the creeps, drunk or not.

I just don't understand why some people can't respect that and try to force me to go all the fucking time....sure, I'll go sometimes when I feel like it but until then, leave me the fuck alone and stop being horrible about it.

I think it's time to move again cuz my friends here are just shit and I'm getting tired of it.

still can't consider this place my home yet...clearly
I miss GJ :(

anyways, in the past month+, I turned 22, I had 2 breakdowns, and I got fired from work. I guess I was getting away with a lot from work and not showin up again was the last straw. I'm debating calling them just so I can get a reference but I dunno. I really really want to get my passport and take out a personal loan and go travel. I want it so bad. But I'm just a lil scared of what my dad may think. He wants me to go back to school and since I'm sorta living off him, I feel somewhat obligated. I just need to build up my courage to let him know what I want to do. I know he feels school is the best for me, but I want to travel. I feel so trapped.

For now, I guess job hunt. It'll be weird since CT is all I've ever known. But I wasn't upset when I got the letter saying I was fired. Is that bad?

please tell me this is a joke...

Mike Fisher dating Carrie Underwood...
not like I needed another reason to hate the bitch

Sorry but personally, I think he's too good for her. No wait, I'm not sorry. And I don't think, I know. Sure his team may be playing lousy and he doesn't have a lot of points himself, but he's a sweetie and she doesn't deserve him one bit :(

and I am super surprised I did not write this in all caps, hahahaha


p.s. MAYBE IT'S HER FAULT HE HAS BARELY NO POINTS!?!? AHAHAHA
jk, I'm just bitter.

I hate her guts.